Grief, it’s a subject that we hear many times, but we get stuck at giving advice or learning to comprehend it ourselves. It is the most complex emotion there is other than depression, but as I continue my rant about my own feelings about it, I hope by reading this it will also inspire you that grief is not the end of life, it is the beginning of a new journey. I am not going to pretend that my life is always in splendor nor am I going to sugar coat any pain or sympathy that I have for everything that is going on around me. When I first heard the shooting at the Sandy Hook Elementary, I was completely and utterly numb. I didn’t scream, I didn’t feel anger or even shed a tear I remember visiting my family on this day and one of my sister kept watching the news over and over again until it was memorized in my head. A few days later I saw post after posts of debates and anger spouting about guns, to either have them or not. I shut the news off of my head, I skipped the post that people tagged me in, I didn’t want to be part of it, I just wanted to be left alone.
It’s been over 4 months since the shooting and people are still debating on gun laws . . . today there was a bombing in Boston, MA; couple weeks ago I lost someone from suicide, about a month ago my son lost a friend at school due to a violent death, when it comes to situations like this, I suck at it. I don’t know how to feel anymore, I want to lash out I want to curl up in a ball and just “RUN!” You can’t tell someone they need to rely on God to make them feel better, where was he when a child was murdered by the shooter? Where was he at the bombing today? Yes, I am angry, I’m without words of comfort and this is the moment that I’ve learned that pain is part of living, growing and it hurts so much.
No person, clergymen or counselor will know the right answer for you, we search for words of comfort to subside the pain, but the pain is there and it will be there. You hear these lines of condolences and yet you want to scream, well let me do it for you. AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!
Pain hurst!!! Yes, I said it! It hurts, it makes you angry then you ever been before and it makes you see life in a different lens, but it can also make you stronger, wiser and you can move forward. Grief never goes away and when people say time heal all wounds, sorry but I disagree. If that were to be true, I have witnessed a person whose gone through 1 or 2 crisis and they never get over it compared to a child soldier in Uganda that’s lost both limbs, but can still smile. Time has nothing to do with healing, it is the perseverence of wanting to get out of the rut of depression. Grief, anger and depression is normal to have just as long as we do not allow it to dictate our lives. Only you can decide when, how and if you are ready to move forward. My son’s father passed away over 13 years and you know what? I still cry, I still ache when I think of his smile or remember his laughter. I hit ‘repeat’ on my iphone to hear the songs he once dedicated to me just to feel him again. It doesn’t go away, but it will help you embrace the loss and to help you remember them in a different way.
People have asked me if I ever thought about being a social worker or a counselor, NO! I’ll be the first to admit and it will sound hypocritical, but it’s my answer. I can’t stand whiners and I terrible at being a listener especially if that person goes over and over with the same complaint, that’s why I’m not a counselor. I’d rather be the coach, cheerleader or a teacher, but hearing people whine, I”m sorry I can only handle close friends and family and even with them I have to put a time out for me. The point to my blog is, do not be afraid to feel pain, to feel anger and most of all to grieve.
I know I’ll move on, because I can’t stand to mope I even yell at myself or Jules whichever comes first, but I have my days where I’m in a funk, but for now I will curl up in my pj’s during the day and catch up on my shows, turn off my phone and just allow myself to cry w/o intoxicating myself, but to remind myself that I am human, other times I’ll even vent out to God in my lavendar journal book filled with butterflies, that always helps me. Remember feeling numb is not healthy or okay and when I haven’t cried in months then I worry about myself, but when I do cry, I know that I’m in the process of healing. Thank you for reading.