It’s after 11 p.m. central time and I just got home from seeing a film that triggered a lot of thought, pain and reminder of just how blessed I am. I went to go see Tyler Perry’s new film, “Temptation” and one of my dear friends suggested that I go check it out. After watching it tonight, I don’t want to spoil the plot so I won’t share what the story unfolded, but I will share my thoughts when viewing it. I have to say I am impressed of how the plot turned out and it wasn’t “expected” at all. If you haven’t seen the trailer of this film be sure to check it out, it gives you a glimpse of what makes “cheating” so attractive, alluring and even sexy; but from a personal stand point, it is anything but all of the above. Infidelity with a stranger is like taking a hit of drug for the first time or having your first buzz from a drink, it makes you feel things you haven’t felt before, it makes you view things in life you will believe to be true, but overall it’s nothing but an illusion. I’m going to share something so intimate that I’ve never shared before and this portion of my blog is NOT in my upcoming memoir . . . (maybe I should insert this???) Any who, I have had a history of infidelity in my life, I have cheated, been cheated on and I’ve even engaged with married man or men who’ve been attached to someone else. Whether I knew about them being attached or not is not the point, the point is I thought it was exciting, I thought it took me on another level and most of all I did it out of spite, rebelliousness and to feel something that I never felt before, but in the end somebody ALWAYS gets hurt no matter how careful you think you are, no matter how you justify it, deception is definitely waiting to jump in.
I’ve heard other films about ‘infidelity’, I’ve heard music that makes it sound so sexy, but when I think of my past relationships and how it made me feel in the end, that is the one thing that always leaves me feeling empty. We honestly take life for granted, the people in it, the relationship that we’re in. We tend to unintentionally believe our relationship is so bad that we justify ‘cheating’, but the truth is, if it’s UNHEALTHY, then LEAVE! If you are in an unhealthy relationship and you have financial issues that you can’t, then DON’T DATE while you’re in that transition! That is my personal advice, do what you have to do to get to a safe journey, heal from those wounds and then when you are legitimately SINGLE, then date. It’s not worth the risk, heartache or even fair to the other person to put them in the middle. If you’re saddling on the fence with your relationship then both person DEFINITELY does not deserve you. Infidelity, is NEVER justifiable, never! I want to share my personal journey of an infidelity relationship that I had in the past that put not just me in pain but a person that could’ve been my best friend and because of my actions, choices and situation that friendship will never come to fruition. I’m not here to post to hear your judgement, I’m just here to share so if you want to judge me, your comments won’t be visible, just an fyi.
Back in early 2000, I met a guy that I met at a bar, I thought he was cute, but he wasn’t that into me, but his best friend was. The best friend was married and he made me laugh and we clicked instantly, before you know it we continued to correspond with each other on a daily basis. I was very aware that he was a married man and why I didn’t care, I felt that as long as I didn’t see her, know her that it would never affect me, but God had different plans. About a month later I met a woman (who happen to be the spouse, which I was not aware) and she and I clicked. We hung out and talked and the moment she invited me to her home to meet her family, there he was. This was a situation I never imagined I would ever be in. Every time she turned her back, he would give me this look of longing, I was still seduced by his charm, but I also developed another feeling that I never felt before, ‘guilt’. I had no idea what to do and the more I could see she cared for me, she even had her little girls run to me to give me hugs. I hated myself at that moment, I had a journal and I had wrote about our secret affair in my journal, she found it and when she read it, she cried. I was ready for her to hit me, slap me or something, but she just cried and told me to leave. After that I didn’t see him anymore, but it was the one that I couldn’t shake off and to this day, I haven’t been able to let it go. Was the hiding and secrecy and the sex worth seeing her tears? Was it worth breaking a family apart? I will never forget the faces of the girls and I know when they get older I’m probably going to be known as ‘the other woman’. They never divorced, but I know I was the reason for the mistrust to happen and it didn’t have to, if I’d only walked away.
I’m sharing this with you because, we go through our own relationship feeling like our partner isn’t charming us like the day we met them or that we feel like we are being taken for granted, even if our partners are ‘comfortable’ with us, then I urge you to do this: 1.) Ask yourself this question, “Are they worth the fight?” Do you feel you need to work on your relationship? 2.) If your answer is yes, then bring back pictures, home videos, etc to bring back what made you two a couple. 3.) To do this you need to take your partner/spouse away from any distraction and have them focus on you. 4.) TALK to them, communication is the biggest problem in any relationship, if there’s none then there’s also no trust, love or respect for one another. If you’ve tried both and you feel your relationship is still in limbo, try marriage counseling or try something new. 5.) Now, if your answer was “No”, then why are you staying? If you need time to make the transition, then do what you need to do but it is important not to date anyone while you’re going through this transition. 6.) There is NO good reason to stay if you’re not happy, whether it’s for kids’ or financial reason, either way you’re just living a lie and even with that is NOT healthy either. I’m no therapist and I’m sure I have my flaws, but the one of my biggest pet peeve I hear when people tell me why they need to stay in a bad relationship is for the kids, that is the biggest bullshit lie I’ve ever heard. Let me tell you something, your children ARE NOT stupid! So, quit treating them like one. They know when their mommy and daddy aren’t close anymore and sleeping in the same room doesn’t disguise it either. Any way, I’ve shared my thoughts and suggestion, you can take it for what it’s worth. Thank you for letting me share.