50 shades of my scars, you can’t see.

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Since the drum roll of the film “50 Shades of Grey” have been out there’s been talk, comments, blogs and etc.  Groupies, activists, columninist and even supporters of BDSM.  I’m going to share you my point of you view and these are mine alone.  I didn’t know anything about 50 shades of Grey, but when a girlfriend of mine said it’s a “Porn for women” I was curious.  I would read the book.

Being an overcomer of child rape at the age of 3, ongoing child sexual abuse, growing up with domestic violence in a cultural/religious background my boundaries and illusion of “love” have been distorted.  Here are some examples:

When my parents had house parties, I was only 4 or 5 years old, I would twirl my dress cause I would love to see my skirt fly up, not realizing that a perverted adult man was watching under my skirt and was already preying on me, that I later being his victim.

When I had random adult men picking me up that I didn’t know had me sit on their lap, I would felt them erect, but I was a child how was I suppose to know, but my parents were both present and none of them told me to say no.  I was told not to say a word, if they wanted me on their lap I didn’t have a voice.

Being an awkward teenager, being the only Asian girl at my school, if I had a crush on a boy you hear the words “gook” or “chink” so I wanted a boy to like me.

I was also taught that if a boy wasn’t violently jealous he must’ve not loved me enough.

When I got older I was taught if a woman was beat, she must’ve done something to provoke the man to beat her.

If a man isn’t a stalking you, you must not beeen worth it.

These were things I was taught what “love” was.  I remember feeling desperately being loved that I even “Prayed” for a guy to love me just as long as he didn’t beat me every day.

So when I read the book, I could relate to Ana’s anticipation and nervouseness when Christian Grey approached her.  I read a comment from a woman that really angered me she said, “The movie is so false, what stupid girl would fall so fast in love with a guy like that and just let him have it.”  Well, I guess I would be that “stupid” girl?

In 1994, I was abducted by a man I thought was my boyfriend, but before the abduction, in the film “Abduction of Eden” there’s more detail then what the film could show.  When I met Keith, he was intimidating to me.  The way he looked at me, to me he was HOTT, I thought why would a guy like that would check out a girl like me?

It was 1994, I had pop bottled glasses, I was extremely clumsy, I ddn”t find myself attractive and coming from an abusive background, my boundaries were distorted.  But Keith, was my Christian Grey.  He didn’t talk much, most of his answers were one word answers.  He agreed everything I liked I thought we were in a perfect relationship.  He was very stern, he was constantly following me, but back then I thought he loved me, I didn’t find it creepy.  It took me YEARS to realize that the relationships I was in was extremely abusive.

Keith may have had the physic of a body builder, but he had absolutely no heart.  I remember the first time he choked me, I remember looking in his eyes, searching for remorse and there was none, it was just cold. I couldn’t believe it.  Book, film and talks about BDSM or anything of this nature is anything but exotic.  Trust me I’m not a nun or a prude, but I have learned to have enjoyment without being abused, tortured or the illusion of false perception of love.  Giving consent doesn’t constitute legitimate “yes”.  In the film, Grey continued to manipulate the situation with  alcohol.  I hope this helps.

Always,

Me.


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